The honest truth: First trimester.
May 28, 2017
It all happened so fast, so suddenly and a little unexpected. 'Surely I couldn't be ?' I thought, 'I haven't have had any symptoms, my period isn't due for another 4 days'. But there was no way I could dismiss that there was a kind of faint line on the HCG strip I had tested with. 'But maybe it's indentation?' I thought, 'Surely I wouldn't get a line this late in the day, after drinking my body weight in cups of tea?' These things are common. So I got myself a first response, downed loads more water and there it was again. Another line, but this time very very clear. We both were in shock. I always expected to sit there crying and being over emotional but I felt numb, I was so overwhelmed. 'We're going to have a baby', I told James. The day after which ironically was mother's day we did a clear blue digital which made it feel a hell of a lot more real. We just hugged each other tight and let the feeling sink in.
Did it sink in? Not really. Not even now.
But it was soon going to become obvious that it was real when the pregnancy symptoms hit me like a ton of bricks. Even myself as a woman presume that the first trimester can often bring morning sickness and that's about it. A very naive way of thinking. The first trimester is lonely, it's terrifying and i'm going to be honest, for me it wasn't a walk in the park. But we were pregnant and it was exciting. So, the morning sickness... Let's just get one thing straight, morning sickness isn't just in the morning. It doesn't mean you throw up. I never did I just couldn't eat any of the foods I like. The apps told me 'eat more fibre' and 'eat more fish, veg and nuts'. I became increasingly worried as I binged on salt and vinegar rice cakes, hash browns and fish fingers. There's no chance I was eating any veg without wanting to throw it back up. I spent the whole 2 weeks of the school holidays laid up on the sofa feeling like I was going to throw up. The fatigue hit me so hard, I was napping 5-6 times a day. I spent 2 weeks constantly sleeping and ignoring any social obligations. Not telling everyone made life so hard and I kind of alienated myself and made myself feel alone. I felt like those who did know wouldn't understand how I was feeling. Would think I'm just making excuses, 'I'm not even that pregnant I thought'. Luckily, I found a great support system and realized how I was feeling was completely normal. Speaking to women who were going through what I was going through at the moment of time really helped. It sounds over dramatic but imagine you get the flu, combined with boobs that even the slightest touch made you wince in pain, combined with not being able to go to the toilet. Not glamorous, not ideal. Then dizzy spells, getting out of breathe easily and the weight gain combined with bloating..... then mix in the fantastic pregnancy hormones where you cry over being told you can't just have a hash brown sandwich for your tea. It was a nightmare and I'm not ungrateful because we're so lucky to have such good news when we were going through something difficult.
My advice to those women who are going through the first trimester would be.
Tell people when you want to tell them!!
Everyone's so 'traditional' and against not telling people before even their 20 week scan. For us it's different. We knew there was more chance of us having a miscarriage in the first trimester but for us we just couldn't contain ourselves, plus if anything did happen I know I'd have a great support system. So do what you feels best. We told family, close friends and I told my work colleagues (due to the nature of my job) straight away because we agreed we both didn't mind.
Don't worry about not eating the right things
The apps I downloaded all told me off. Eat more fibre, eat more veg, eat more red meat and drink more milk! There was no way with my nausea could I stomach any of these things, it just wasn't going to happen. To me the most important thing is just giving baby any food in the first trimester even on those days you just wanna chuck your guts up. Surely that was better than absolutely nothing?! So don't worry, you've got the second trimester to improve on that. Just make sure you're taking your folic acid and drinking plenty of water! Also make yourself aware of the things you can't eat during early pregnancy. But don't read into everything and let it completely stop you from living!
Exercise, exercise, exercise...
Another thing the pregnancy apps drilled into me. 'Exercise for an healthier labour' and 'exercise for an healthier baby'. Honestly, I would if I could've. But it'd be a good day if I could even manage to wash the pots. My whole house was a shit tip, covered in dust. I'd be lucky if I could walk to the toilet without having a dizzy spell and needing to sit back down.
Plan how you want to plan!!!!!
Everyone will suddenly have something to say about the way you're gonna do things, about the products you need for baby, when you should start telling people etc. But it's your baby, you both decide. There is no wrong or right way of doing things. If you want to tell people before or after the scan, then you have the right to do so. If you want to know the gender, then you have the right to do so. If you want to avoid the nuchal screening then you also have the right to do so. Do not let people get into your head. Make your own plans, sit down with your partner and talk about what you want to do. If it's just you, then buggar everyone else and get on with it. It's not their baby, it's yours.
'I'm getting fat'
Do not feel guilty or let anyone let you feel guilty for complaining about putting on weight. The whole trimester you will probably feel the size of a house, you will be bloated, you will gain weight super fast. You'll feel like an alien in your own body. Do not let people make you feel guilty for feeling this way for saying things like 'you shouldn't complain you're pregnant' because you have all the rights in the world to feel terrified about how your bodies feeling. Doesn't help that everyone keeps telling you 'you're showing already!' when you know it's just trapped wind....
CRAMPS!!!!!!
Oh lord, the first trimester cramps are terrifying. They're basically period cramps. For me this was combined with a wave of extreme nausea and the only cure was lying on my side in a ball. Try not to worry about the cramping. Baby is implanting and your body is preparing. The constant thoughts of miscarriage will haunt you but unless you are really concerned and getting bleeding then try not to worry!!
The first trimester was very tough. But happens so very fast and before you know it you see this tiny little wriggly body on your ultrasound. In that instance you fall in love with. But still that overwhelming feeling of 'is it a dream?' does not leave.
Be patient and kind with yourself and try and look forward to the rest of your adventure.
This is the most terrifying, yet exciting adventures I've been on and I can't wait for the rest of it! Just to see that tiny little human that we made and that I've grown is such an overwhelming achievement. Already that little baby bean is more loved than you could ever imagine.
Keep growing baby bean!
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